Is it wrong that I don't feel like Christmas?

No matter what goes on around me it just doesn't feel like a joyous time.
I wish I could fix it, but I can't.
I need to bake for orders so I do it, but I don't bake for enjoyment.
I need to take photos , but even then, I can't see anything to photograph.
I need to wrap presents, I need to put on a face, I need to be celebrating but all I have are tears.
Is it easy for others who have experienced the loss of a family member to be able to go on and celebrate these first occasions without the sadness. Probably not.
I wish those around me would understand this, but some don't.
Do I care...no.

Had to get it out of my head as my heart has been aching for sometime now and the happy face has been packed away for now...is that wrong?
✗ ♥

Comments

  1. Vic17 December 2009 at 22:27

    Of course it's not wrong hon, you feel how you feel & it's your perfect right.

    ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mrs Button17 December 2009 at 22:27

    Not at all, my darling! A big hole where someone really important should be. Do what you can and try to be kind to yourself. Those who love you will know what is in your heart, even if they don't quite understand. Lisa.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Melinda @ Here We Go Loopy Lou17 December 2009 at 22:36

    It must be an incredibly hard time for you. I hope you and your family find your way through all this. Thinking of you xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. Selina17 December 2009 at 22:49

    Totally not wrong sweetie. Put the happy face away for now and grieve. The firsts are always the hardest. Thinking of you :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Nikki17 December 2009 at 23:43

    Not one bit wrong. Grief is one of those things you can't pack away when it's inconvenient. Hugs to you - xn

    ReplyDelete
  6. Jennie17 December 2009 at 23:59

    I'm not surprised you're not feeling any joy this Christmas. I hope your loved ones can help you through the big day.

    ReplyDelete
  7. pinkpatentmaryjanes18 December 2009 at 00:00

    It's completely and utterly natural. You just need to go with it.

    Enormous hugs x

    ReplyDelete
  8. Cath @ chunkychooky18 December 2009 at 00:29

    Poor love! It would be weirder if you were feeling Ok about it. The first one of all those occasions is the worst.. you are allowed to feel however you need to, allowed to feel however you want to and allowed to feel like you want to cry and scream, there is no right or wrong way to feel, no shoulds or musts or have to's, no obligations...do what you need to do to make yourself feel better......if others around you cannot handle your very real emotions, it's because they may feel awkard around you because they don't know how to respond, that's their issue not yours to take on. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  9. Kate18 December 2009 at 00:55

    Nothing wrong with being sensitive and feeling and loving. So much love to you beautiful girl. XX

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous18 December 2009 at 02:55

    I'm so sorry Cathie. Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Baker's Cakes18 December 2009 at 05:34

    What a touching post and thoughtful responses... Thinking of you-

    ReplyDelete
  12. Chasing Purple Dreams18 December 2009 at 13:30

    Thinking of you Cathie, I can’t imagine how hard this year has been for you. I hope it gets a little easier soon.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Kat18 December 2009 at 14:01

    Oh Cathie, I don't know what to say that won't sound cliched. But I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I can't imaging how hard this must be for you. I'm sending a big virtual hug your way.
    xo Kat

    ReplyDelete
  14. Sandrine18 December 2009 at 14:20

    XXOO

    ReplyDelete
  15. Millie18 December 2009 at 16:50

    I experience this every Christmas without my darling Mum & Dad. But I figure they would be very cross with me if I didn't embrace the joy of the Season they loved so much. So each thing I prepare, each gift I buy, each decoration I hang, I smile knowing that they are with me in spirit. Smiling down at our table on Christmas Day, full of laughing, raucous kids (their Grandsons)& being so proud of them all. We always raise our first glass of champers on the day to them & remember what fantastic times we had - its a magical thing to do for us all. It's early days for you Cathie, so be gentle with yourself - but don't let the grief control you, you control it.
    Millie ^_^

    ReplyDelete
  16. beachvintage.com18 December 2009 at 16:52

    Dont worry about it too much love, I think we are all feeling flustered at the moment.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Leonie Guld18 December 2009 at 22:52

    Fuck no..show the sad face!!!! Shit cathy...you have just lost you dad!!! This is huge...if you were NOT sad there would be something seriously WRONG!! It sounds to me that you loved your dad to bits and he loved you all the way to the moon and back....so feel sad love, you are ment too!!! xx

    ReplyDelete
  18. Lark19 December 2009 at 02:14

    Hi Cathie, thank you so much for the lovely cupcakes today, it was such a nice gesture, you totally made my day.

    I can feel what you are going through. My lovely dad died five years ago, he was too young to go, just starting to enjoy his retirement, and I still miss him every day, although it is especially hard at Christmas. Every time I feel proud of my kids I wish I could tell him about it, they were only babies when he died and he hardly had time to know them. It's ok to feel like you do, and to show it. Do whatever feels right for you to help you to deal with this sad time.

    Love to you,

    Allison x

    ReplyDelete
  19. buttonlicious19 December 2009 at 04:19

    oh cath, my eyes are so puffy that i cant see the monitor, we will be ok....i guess. what lovely comments from everyone....its hard, my heart still hurts, there is a piece missing and i dont think i can ever get it back. i love you!
    ur sis x

    ReplyDelete
  20. Cherry Blossoms19 December 2009 at 10:13

    I also have lost a parent and its never easy around the holidays. Just remember your dads memories and most of all his love will always be with you :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. Anonymous19 December 2009 at 14:39

    I'm so sorry, Cathie. That must be such a hard place to be in. If you feel sad then that's the absolutely most appropriate way to be right now. Go gently with your aching heart. x

    ReplyDelete
  22. Anonymous19 December 2009 at 23:48

    ((hugs))..I'm a little late and although I haven't recently lost someone this time of year brings memories of my grandmother flooding back in. It's a wonderful time but such a heartbreaking one as well. I hope you are able to find comfort in the life around you. And find time for yourself too....((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  23. Erika from The Pastry Chef At Home20 December 2009 at 09:14

    I understand...my grandfather died last year around Christmas time and I wasn't able to fly out to the funeral. My mom wasn't around for Christmas and the whole thing just left me feeling very sad. But, we get on with our lives, and we always have lovely family memories to bring a little joy and light into our dark days.

    I read your latest post and see that you had a wonderful family get together which brightened your spirit.

    I wish you a Christmas filled with lots of smiles and quality family time.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Little Cooties20 December 2009 at 12:21

    Cathie, I think that keeping it together as you are doing is huge thing. You are cooking, putting on a brave face, taking care of your family and growing memories for your gorgeous children. You are being strong for those around you. Now do you have to add a happy face to all of that and pretend? No, and definitely not here.

    I hope that you are getting support from those that matter to you in life, and that you are able to give yourself time to process your feelings. There will be plenty of time later to have a smile for your self and others.

    Have a safe and love filled christmas.
    It was grat to meet you the other night, you are a very inspirational woman.
    xx fab

    ReplyDelete
  25. christina21 December 2009 at 19:25

    i share this walk of loss with you, my friend. i am a daughter as well, who had to say goodbye too soon.
    i send you love, so much love.
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  26. Anonymous22 December 2009 at 19:20

    I hope everything gets better and sweeter for u Cathie!
    Big higs!

    ReplyDelete

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